Since having a child, I have become more much aware of mortality. I don't believe in heaven or hell, reincarnation, or a soul, so for me when death comes it will be the end. A large part of me believes that the idea of an afterlife comes from our intense fear of death and dying. Death is so far out of our range of experience, so completely unknown, and since we can not rationalize it, we create stories to comfort ourselves. This is normal. Children will do this. They will create fantasies to address those things that they do not understand, or are frightened by.
Thinking about dying makes me cry, but I don't know why. I can't align the emotion with fear, or regret, or even sorrow. But I have to confront it now, because of my child. I must address what should be done with her if I die, or my husband dies, or we both die, before she is old enough to fend for herself. I must detail what I want to happen to my belongings, my dog. Oh, I could just avoid the issue entirely, and let the state or surviving family members do as they see fit, but it's not in my nature to do something like that.
Perhaps that is what is so upsetting about my own mortality. It is the absolute, unconditional, loss of control. I can not have a say, or even the illusion of one, into what happens next, once I am dead. I don't like that very much. Even during labor, when you are consumed by this physical act which overrides everything else, the moment I found the rhythm of the contractions, I was preparing for them, adjusting and taking action to affect them. When the pushing phase started, I very quickly tried to tell my body when to push (which became very problematic towards the end, since I got the distinct impression I was getting in my own way: push but don't push!). I need to meditate on this, on letting go of the need for control. Perhaps then I can approach the end of my life with less apprehension, and more calm.
Someone (much smarter than me) pointed out that we are not afraid of the time before we were born. Why should we be afraid of the time after we die?
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2 comments:
Your need for control sounds very much like my own. I wonder if it's a common personality trait among 'alternative' birthers.
Mom to 2 water born babies
Most probably yes!
I remember being told by my husband, my midwife and my 'Birthing From Within' labor class instructor, that at some point I would "lose control," and that it was a necessary part of birth. During stage 1 there wasn't much to control (good old contractions coming when they may), transition was, well, transition, but during stage 2 I needed to control my body, to direct the pushing (my body did not know what it was doing, and pushed ineffectually for a couple hours). If I had completely relinquished control, I don't think I would've gotten my girl out without lots of help.
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