Knowing Why

I read another story of a baby dying in utero. "Cord compression." (what a nice, sanitary way of saying the baby hung herself by her own cord - reminds me of some ancient Greek story). Knowing why doesn't make it any better, it doesn't relieve the suffering (some babies apparently just stop living, with no explanation why). It doesn't change the past.

I wonder how much the why actually matters. If my baby girl died, would I care why? I'm inclined to think it wouldn't matter. No answer, no reason, no explanation would bring her back. She would be gone.

I'm almost afraid to have another child because I don't want that child to die. How silly! I'm afraid for a life that isn't even made yet! You can only do so much to keep them safe. Even if you take all the precautions possible, they could still be taken away. I don't think I could bear it.

I'm still processing the birth of my child. It's the only reason I have for why I got back to some of the sites and blogs I do. It's becoming less frequent, and I've largely stopped posting on one (partially because it's a futile attempt at discussion and debate), but why else would I still watch birth videos, or talk about birth, and think about it? It's hardly the first time I've come close to dying (slipped on a walkway at Mont Blanc in the Alps, and my legs went over the edge, a good 500 foot straight drop onto rock, and only a flailing hand grab to some grass kept me from going over completely, or the time as a child I flew out in front of a semi going 55 on my bike, ironically saved by my inability to back pedal brake). Maybe I just haven't come to terms with the utter life-changing nature of it. Sure, for some people getting pregnant and giving birth is no big deal, it's all about raising the kid, but childbirth is different. I honestly can't say if it was the hardest/most important/most life-changing/most painful/etc experience of my life. I do think that it is the only experience which has truly been both an alpha and omega. Unlike anything or event in my life, there was a time before birth, and a time after. If I have another child, I don't think it'll be the same, either. Something about the first birth. Of course I won't know that until I have another kid, but there's that. I just might not have another child. I think I'm getting closer though to understanding it. And maybe when I do my life will stop being on hold.