I am trying to recreate myself. I am a wasteful person of time. Which is a bit embarrassing considering how important a resource it is. I don't have much, but why in the world do I keep wasting time on blogs that do nothing for me? They don't even entertain me. I waste time reading bad news sites. And so on and so on. I used to be very good with time. I could get so much done in 24 hrs and still get sleep in. I need to find the person I was when I was 19. That person was much more effective about using time.

Confliction

One of the hardest positions I maintain is being pro-choice and pro-life at the same time. I hate, hate, reading about women having abortions, at seeing the pictures, of knowing that a little person was extinguished before it even had a chance to get started. (I really don't like hearing about kids, any age, dying). Ideally the reasons for abortions could be solved, but that will never happen. For some, abortion is a form of conception control (why do we call the pill and condoms "birth control"?), to be used as easily as a condom. Makes me burn.

And yet.

I know others do not hold my beliefs. I know that others have desperate need for access to abortions. I know that I should not pass judgement on them for their choices, any more than I would want them to pass judgement on mine. I know that they must decide what is appropriate for their own life. I know punishing them after the fact would do nothing (it would not bring the baby back), and could likely compound whatever pain they are already in. I know I can not make the choice for so many others.

And yet.

The Final Moments

My mother just told me about something I find touching.

In her parish, there was a 91 y/o lady. She came down with pneumonia and had to go into the hospital last week. On Thursday or Friday, she suffered a mild heart attack. On Saturday, her family called in her priest. He came in and was with her, with family present, and spoke to her. She was all loopy on morphine, and he had to shake her a bit to wake her up and get her attention. He told her that the doctors said she was dying, and that he was going to give her last rites and say the prayers for the dying. 15 minutes after he did this and left, she passed away.

I find this an act of compassion and fortitude. For her and her family, religion meant a great deal. This priest making sure she heard the final prayers of her life probably gave her and her family some measure of comfort. I can only imagine what tending the dying is like, but I don't imagine doing what he did was easy. But how nice that he was able to do this for her, to help close the circle of her life (in Christianity from baptism to the last rites).

Knowing Why

I read another story of a baby dying in utero. "Cord compression." (what a nice, sanitary way of saying the baby hung herself by her own cord - reminds me of some ancient Greek story). Knowing why doesn't make it any better, it doesn't relieve the suffering (some babies apparently just stop living, with no explanation why). It doesn't change the past.

I wonder how much the why actually matters. If my baby girl died, would I care why? I'm inclined to think it wouldn't matter. No answer, no reason, no explanation would bring her back. She would be gone.

I'm almost afraid to have another child because I don't want that child to die. How silly! I'm afraid for a life that isn't even made yet! You can only do so much to keep them safe. Even if you take all the precautions possible, they could still be taken away. I don't think I could bear it.

Do opinions matter? I used to think of opinions as clouds in the sky. They can take any shape. They go whichever way the wind blows. They disappear very easily. They can be light, or dark, big or small. They can make the world dark and cold, or filter the sun so it's not quite as harsh. But we are always asking people for their opinion as if it is something concrete. Is it because of our need to enjoy being in the majority? If enough people share an opinion, does that make it right? Should rule of law be based, ever, on opinion? If not, how do you define right or wrong?

Opinions matter to the extent they establish a person's position, albeit temporarily. Trouble comes up when we expect that position to stay the same. But opinions are volitale. remember? I would expect a person to change their opinion in time, or as they learn new things (or forget old things). I hate being asked what I think of a person, because I only want to consider my experience, and if that doesn't match up with the majority, I have a problem. In my opinion, a person can only be judged by the experiences they have with you. Otherwise, you are basing opinion off of hearsay. Granted, in some cases that's not a bad idea. But is it right to allow our opinions to be shaped by those whose perspective is necessarily completely different?

Gifts

My husband doesn't want to teach our daughter about Santa Claus. I disagree on a certain level, because I think Santa Claus could be a good tool for teaching her about sharing, and giving, without expecting thanks in return. Think about it. Who writes Santa Claus a thank you note?

I think that the whole gift giving thing should switch to Thanksgiving. Let Christmas be the time to celebrate life in winter. But if we could turn Thanksgiving into a time of gift-giving to demonstrate our appreciation of having those around us in our lives, I think that would be more fitting. It'll never happen, I know, but it would fit better then Christmas (which is already an amalgamation of celebrations, what with the triumverate of monotheisms celebrating something that month). It would open it up to more people, and avoid some degree of scandal (no more desecrating a religious celebration with money). I don't know why I'm giving gifts to people. Because it's Christmas. And? So?

Gifts given and received. I read about a gift delivered in a very sad package. It reminded me of being careful what I wish for, because the means of delivery may not be what you want.

I'm still processing the birth of my child. It's the only reason I have for why I got back to some of the sites and blogs I do. It's becoming less frequent, and I've largely stopped posting on one (partially because it's a futile attempt at discussion and debate), but why else would I still watch birth videos, or talk about birth, and think about it? It's hardly the first time I've come close to dying (slipped on a walkway at Mont Blanc in the Alps, and my legs went over the edge, a good 500 foot straight drop onto rock, and only a flailing hand grab to some grass kept me from going over completely, or the time as a child I flew out in front of a semi going 55 on my bike, ironically saved by my inability to back pedal brake). Maybe I just haven't come to terms with the utter life-changing nature of it. Sure, for some people getting pregnant and giving birth is no big deal, it's all about raising the kid, but childbirth is different. I honestly can't say if it was the hardest/most important/most life-changing/most painful/etc experience of my life. I do think that it is the only experience which has truly been both an alpha and omega. Unlike anything or event in my life, there was a time before birth, and a time after. If I have another child, I don't think it'll be the same, either. Something about the first birth. Of course I won't know that until I have another kid, but there's that. I just might not have another child. I think I'm getting closer though to understanding it. And maybe when I do my life will stop being on hold.